I'm a bit frustrated this morning. So allow me to get on my soapbox for a moment.
Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a friend.
She has a family member that is trying to adopt. They have been selected by a birthmother that was due in about three weeks, but she ended up having the baby yesterday. To make a long story short, this couple flew out to get this baby, but had recently found out that the birthmother was having second thoughts.
My friend was irate. She couldn't believe that somebody would say 'Yes, I have chosen you to adopt my baby', and then go back on their word. She called this birthmother horrible names and talked about what a horrible life she was living, etc.
Now I was irate. But for the sake of our friendship, I quickly changed the subject and moved on.
I know as an adoptive parent that the adventure of adoption is one huge emotional roller coaster ride. There are more ups and downs, twists and turns, and even a few flips than one could ever imagine. And unfortunately, our friends and families have to experience that ride with us, which makes them ultra-protective of us. But that does not negate the feelings of birthmothers. Yes, it hurts to have a failed adoption (we've had one ourselves, and it sucks). It's just plain miserable.
But please take a look at the other side.
Here you have a birthmother who is faced with the.most.difficult. decision of her entire life. She has carried a child within her for nine months. She has felt the baby move and grow. She has quite possibly faced repercussions from friends and family for becoming pregnant in the first place.
But she has feelings too. And as much as it hurts to be on the receiving end, and have an adoption fall through; it hurts ever so much more when a birthmother places her baby for adoption and is left with empty arms. We as adoptive parents, are joyful for ourselves, but somebody else is hurting now too.
I cannot speak from experience, becuase I am not a birthmother. I may be a little sensitive on this subject for the obvious reasons of being an adoptee and knowing my birthmother, and having adopted myself. But please, please please don't bad-mouth birthmothers to me. I simply cannot handle it.
I try to make sense of this, even as I write it. It all sounds like ramblings, but I need my personal stance to be known. I love birthmothers. I was raised to honor and praise them, and my husband and I, along with our children will always revere birthmothers. Somebody needs to stick up for birthmothers, and I am proud to do it. Were it not for them, adoption wouldn't even be a word in the dictionary in the first place.
I understand your hurts, aches, pains, and emotions of wanting to be a parent. I understand that you are trying to be protective of your loved ones that are trying to adopt. I have been there, and I hope to be there again. It is an experience that cannot be described. But please remember that someday your child, niece, nephew, or grandchild may ask you, "What was my birthmother like? Did she love me? Did she want to keep me? Do you love my birthmother?"
Actions also speak louder than words. You may say the right words, but kids are smart little whips. They see through stuff like that. Try to face your child and answer honestly. Because one day, it all may come back to bite you.
The bottom line? Your adopted child has two mothers. Get over it. It's a fact. If it weren't true, you wouldn't have that child in your home to begin with.
Okay, off my soapbox now.